i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
