I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
