Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
