My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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