ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
