I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
