Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
