I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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