Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
we're so committed to being not committed
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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