"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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