Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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