Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize