so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
