I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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