I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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