Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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