a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
