i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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