Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
