I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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