So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
