she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
