He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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