Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
3pm strippers are depressing
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
