I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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