Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think I have vodka in my lungs
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
