Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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