i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
