Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize