What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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