you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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