My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
