i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
