I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
