I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize