Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize