it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
