Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
