Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
