I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize