end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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