Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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