I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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