she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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