just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
