have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
