Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I feel like abortions should bother me more
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
