whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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