Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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