you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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