I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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