I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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