True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
