Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize