The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
