I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
