you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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