did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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