Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
