I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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