That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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