I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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