I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
